Smile of the day

[ika]

Smile of the Day

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy.............

"It's a puppy!"

*** Thanks, by Sexy

[Jillian]

Bahahaha! I love it <3

[ika]

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

(You're going to love this....)

SPOILER: Click to show

She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark

*** Thanks, by Sexy

[Shilpa Shetty]

I legit lol'd

[ika]

The secret 

The secret of success 


is

There are two secrets to success: 

SPOILER: Click to show

Don't tell everyone everything.  Now Did you really think I would tell you.....

[ika]

The Minister

A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom."

So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. Without being asked, he proclaims, "I am Michael O'Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list and says, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the preacher, "that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?"

"Up here, we go by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept -- while he drove, people prayed."

*** Thanks, by Sexy

[ika]

Little Harold

Little Harold was practicing the violin

in the living room while his

father was trying to read in the den.

The family dog was lying in the den,

and

as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin

 reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could.

Then he jumped up,

slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise,

"For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?

*** Thanks, by Sexy

[ika]

Out with the girls:::

The other night
I was invited out for a night
with the 'girls'.
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went
down way too easily. Around 3 am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.
just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckoo-ed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up,
I cuckoo-ed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up
with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos total 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in?
I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock!'
When I asked him why,
he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckoo-ed three times,
then said 'oh shit', cuckoo-ed 4 more times, cleared its throat,
cuckoo-ed another three times,
giggled, cuckoo-ed twice more,
and then tripped over the coffee table."

*** Thanks, Sexy

[shir]

Idgi

[Kat]

just smile shir

SPOILER: Click to show

[ika]

"Mommy"

At the supermarket, a man noticed a woman with four boys and a baby.

Her patience was wearing thin as the boys called out,

 "Mommy! Mommy!"

 while she tried to shop.

Finally, she blurted out, "I don't want to hear the word mommy for at least ten minutes!"

The boys fell silent for a few seconds.

Then one tugged on his mother's dress and said softly,

 "Excuse me, miss."

*** Thanks, by Sexy

Happy Birthday IKA

[ika]

I know everyone has been missing the Smile of the Day
so I will bring it back

here goes

[ika]

Cat in Heaven

 A cat died and went to Heaven.

 God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said,

 “You have been a good cat all of these years.

Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said,

“All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors…

 I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.”

God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.

 A few days later,

12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident

 and they all went up to Heaven together.

 God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven,

with the exact same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said,

“Well, we have had to run all of our lives…

from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms.

If we could just have some little roller-skates,

we would never have to run again.”

God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.

About a week later,

God decided to check on the cat…

 He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.

God gently awakened the cat and asked,

 “Is everything okay?

How have you been doing?

Are you happy?”

The cat replied,

“Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL…

I’ve never been so happy in my life!

My pillow is always fluffy

and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that

You have been sending over are delicious."

*** Thanks, by Sexy

[ika]

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight,

insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. 

An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor. 

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor. 

"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney,

"and I want to take his place." 

The governor replied,

"Well, it's okay with me,

if it's okay with the undertaker." 



*** Thanks, by Sexy

[ika]

Men are like

Men’s brains are like the prison system

SPOILER: Click to show

not enough cells per man.

Men are like place mats.

SPOILER: Click to show

They only show up when there’s food on the table.

Men are like mascara.

SPOILER: Click to show

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like bike helmets. Handy in an emergency,

SPOILER: Click to show

but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like parking spots.

SPOILER: Click to show

All the good ones are taken.

Men are like lava lamps.

SPOILER: Click to show

Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like bank accounts.

SPOILER: Click to show

Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.

Men are like high heels.

SPOILER: Click to show

They’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

*** Thanks, by Sexy